It is my last week of being 32. I’ve never really been one of those chicks who get freaked out about getting older. No, it is not the 4th time I’m turning 29. No, I am not dreading turning 33. No, I am not hearing my biological clock tick loudly in my head. & no, I am not ashamed of still not being married or having children of my own. If anything, I’ve welcomed aging with open arms & an open heart the past few years because I’ve learned that the older I get the more life wisdom I establish, the happier I become, the less I care what others think or say or feel about me, my life, or my choices that they make out to be negative or drama or discouragement or jealousy, & the more I sink comfortably into my own skin with the realization that I am the only me there will ever be, so, why not love every imperfect & flawed part of myself that comes along with that, & in turn, others will see the real me & the correct ones will love me regardless. Getting older shouldn’t be a sentence, it should be a blessing.
I have learned more about myself in the last 2 years than I think I did in the first 30. People had always said to me that when I turned 30 that there would be a shift of sorts, a change in consciousness, if you will. I always thought they were crazy…..until it actually happened. Its like, when I turned 30, now, all of a sudden, I wanted to figure myself out. I wanted to dig deep & really put together the pieces of who I am & how I got here & where I came from & where I’m going & what all the things that I had done or had happened to me had meant in putting together pieces to contribute to the bigger puzzle picture that is my life. It was a true changing of the guards in my mind. But, old habits still die hard sometimes, so I spent the last 2 years truly allowing myself to go about my life whilst being a genuine observer of my own self. It was almost like watching yourself from above while still being connected to you enough to know that what you’re doing is being analyzed & sorted through….by yourself. Strange thought for sure, but, it’s been unbelievably eye opening. The things I always thought were things I just did or felt for no reason actually had meaning behind them.
I also realized that one main string has floated through my life as a theme of sorts: BEING CHOSEN. I’ve carried this thought with me for decades now, but I’m only just now starting to truly understand the depth to which this has bore itself into my psyche. The idea of being chosen, in whatever capacity, whether relationally, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, vocationally, educationally, personally, whatever it may be, being chosen is a true desire that lies inside each one of us. It’s a hunger for something, someone, some place, to really belong to or be a part of by someone else’s choosing. It’s a longing for meaning, purpose, & the ability to admit we are loved & cared for in another’s eyes.
I spent most of my adolescent & adult life relentlessly seeking after being chosen. The problem with that became that my utmost need for being selected became the catalyst for allowing myself to settle, to be used or taken advantage of, or to be abandoned without regard after feeling I had invested so much just to prove I was worthy to be chosen. I wanted it so badly & desperately that I clung to any sign that there was a remote possibility of becoming a priority instead of an option. So hard, in fact, that many times I would end up sabotaging myself & others as I strove to be whatever someone or something wanted from me in order to make them or the situation happy or at ease, to the point where they would be forced to see or understand or accept that I was enough to be specially selected. In reality, my desperation set me up for continual disappointment & failure as I sought to be chosen for the wrong reasons, in the wrong circumstances, & by the wrong people, instead of deciding to become a person I would be pleased to choose for myself. Instead of fitting myself into a box that others could contain, I began to realize that I needed to chose myself before anyone else could even have the opportunity to want to choose me for the out-of-the-box woman I truly am.
You see, I was focusing too much on external acceptance & not enough on internal maintenance. I thought, incorrectly, that if I could just build myself into what I thought others wanted, that would be enough proof that I was worthy, when in reality, I had never actually chosen myself to care about & love & nurture & work on & invest in & figure out what I truly needed, so really, how was anyone else supposed to be able to see my true worth if I wasn’t displaying it correctly because I hadn't honed in on the work needing to take place within myself? There’s a quote I love so much about how you have to stop looking for the right person & start being the right person. That’s truly what it came down to, for me. Stop choosing others & start choosing yourself.
Being chosen isn’t a given. It’s not something we deserve or should expect. It’s not entirely about what you do but more about who you are. & you may be chosen in some aspects, but not others. I have spent my whole life wishing to be chosen: by friends, by guys, by teachers & employers, by family, by peers, by total strangers even, I had to come to terms with the fact that being chosen is not a guarantee. But what is? Me. I can choose myself. Choose to love myself, care for myself, build myself up, nurture myself, encourage myself, tough love myself, talk myself up, talk myself down, humble myself, engage myself, understand myself, the list goes on & on. & by doing all of those things, by deliberately choosing me, it’s opened the eyes of others to see me for who I really am. Choosing to be a better version of myself on a daily basis has enabled me to accept who I am for me & made me want to embrace getting older & wiser & more mature albeit still staying young at heart. & in turn, once I started living authentically & truly feeling worthy & enough within myself, I started attracting people & situations & circumstances worthy of being chosen & worthy of choosing me. Had I not turned my focus inward, I would never have projected my true self outward.
This is my last week of being 32…..& I am SO STOKED for what this next year of life is going to bring me! I finally feel like I’m at a place to accept the good, learn from the bad & move forward with my light shining brightly for all to see. The excitement cannot be contained!! I’m coming for you with a smile on my lips, a free spirit, a willing heart, a laughing soul & open, happy eyes, 33! I CHOOSE YOU! & all that you will bless me with along this next year of my life’s journey. I know that everything will happen in the exact time it’s meant to. Bring.It.On.
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