I've been dreading this holiday season for months now…….all year really. The month of December has been looming over me long before it ever arrived, like a foreboding storm cloud that I can see in the distance, gaining momentum and strength. I can see it coming---I know it’s coming and I can’t escape it, can’t even look away. I’m aware it’s coming, this storm, and it crossed my mind that I should run.
If I run I can try to escape it!! Maybe if I run, this will all go away….if I just run fast enough or far enough…..
But I don’t want to run. I've been watching the clouds, I've seen the storm coming all year and now it’s here. It’s here and I’m not running from it or hiding or even seeking shelter. I am standing in the middle of it, arms open, face towards the sky. It’s been so hard to breathe lately, the emotions and memories of this time last year threatening to completely overtake me.
I think back to this time last year and I’m right there……reliving my beautiful boy’s struggle, his fight to live, my desperate attempts to save him.....I couldn't save him. The storm is here and I’m reliving his death.
My son’s death was like an ominous cloud, fast approaching on the horizon. This time last year he was actively dying, and there was no procedure or amount of love that could save him. I tried so hard. I tried everything in my power to save him, but I knew it was his time to go. His struggles had become too big and too hard.
Storms are like that. Scary and dark, so unpredictable that they threaten everything you know, everything you love. Storms wreak havoc, yes. Storms can destroy, demolish and even devastate. But storms also cleanse.
There is something deeply purifying about walking outside after a storm and breathing it all in. All the wind and rain and darkness are swept away and suddenly there is light.
I am here, living through this storm and I am trying to let it cleanse me. I am constantly seeking that light and trying to use it to refine, to rebuild something within myself that will withstand any future storms that threaten to destroy.
This year has been hard. This month hurts---the storm is raging but I’m not running from it. I’m here and I’m weathering this storm because I know the beauty that lies beyond the darkness.
There is light all around me and oh, how I can feel it! My beautiful boy has been gone almost one year. These storms have been fierce, almost swallowing me whole at times---but I’m still here and I refuse to run away.
Each storm that passes brings with it a strength that cannot come any other way. I am grateful for storm, for it makes me appreciate the light that much more.
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