About a month ago there was an event that I had planned on attending. It had been on the books for almost a year. As a result of many hard and heart breaking things that took place over this past year I came to dread this date on the calendar. It made me physically ill to think about all the things that had happened and to play out all the "what could happen scenarios" in my head. My heart was broken and I didn't know if I had the strength to get through it!
I spent hours going back and forth in my heart, and talking through it with my husband and my soul sister. I cried, I got angry, I tried to justify and convince myself, I role played....anything I could think of to work myself into a decision.
Finally two days before the event I had made the decision that I was not going to go. I was firm in that decision.....so much so that I sat and wrote a blog post about how I wasn't going to go.
At the end of it something very interesting happened that I was not expecting.....
Post written 8-29-2014
There was an event this weekend. An event that is very dear to my heart. An event on a topic that is so important to me. An event with many of my friends, dear friends attending. An event that I had every right to attend.
I didn't go.
I was a coward.
I had excuses.
I had valid reasons.
So I want to talk to you today about holding yourself back.
I wish I didn't struggle. I wish I could literally just let it roll off my back. I wish that I could care less, that I could walk in and forget about the stares, the whispering, the judgement.
I wish I could get past the fact that what I am afraid of happening probably wouldn't even happen!
I had valid reasons. Friends told me that they understood completely where I was coming from, that if they were in my position they would do the same thing, that I was being the bigger person by not going and causing a problem.
I felt that it was a lose-lose for me so I decided that I didn't need to put myself in a position to be hurt and uncomfortable and treated poorly.
I had excuses.
I was a coward.
I should have gone. I should have walked in with my friends. I should have celebrated ME like I deserved to, just like everyone else.
BUT I didn't. So here is what I know.
1. I am always learning new things about myself and there is ALWAYS room for improvement.
2. In this situation I 100% let other people control my thoughts and actions. I have worked way too hard to let that happen. I hope to take this lesson and be better the next time around.
3. In times like these, when we feel cornered we really need to do what is the very very best for us and us alone. Maybe if I would have taken some time to really work through the situation it would have had a different outcome, maybe not...but at least I would have looked at all the angles.
4. There is too much jealousy among women. Too much insecurity, too much resentment and anger. There is not enough respect, love and support. There is not enough understanding and sympathy. There is NOT enough community. I hope to change that.
5. No matter what others think I have to know and remind myself over and over that I am doing what I have great passion for...no matter the outcome.
6. I am not for everyone. And that is ok. There is always going to be someone that doesn't like me, or that may like me but wont allow themselves to like me, or that may like me and then change their mind. It is ok. I am not for everyone.
7. It is always worse in my head than it is in real life. It may have been horrible, but then again...I am sure that I was the only one that was stewing about it and losing sleep about it. Who do I think I am?
8. My husband is the most amazing and supportive person that I know.
9. I must live with the decisions that I make. I chose not to go so I am owning the ramifications of those choices.
10. I wont always make the best decisions, I may still react with fear, I may still feel insecure and uncomfortable, I am imperfect. BUT I am learning and I am grateful for these life lessons and challenges that remind me of things that I still need to learn. Some of us have a bigger learning curve than others.
I will go on to do things that make me uncomfortable. I will go on to do things that people will not approve of. I will go on to walk into a room of unwelcoming guests. But today....I am learning my lessons, licking my wounds and remembering that I can't get it right every time.
I can't beat myself up about NOT "doing one hard thing". I can't conquer it all!
Until the next hard thing......
Do you want to know something??? I went.
I sent this post to my very dearest friend and she chuckled a little that I had written this blog post before it had even happened. She told me that with this information I could still change my mind and go against everything that I had written.
What I didn't realize I was doing was that I was working the steps. I was taking all the life lessons that I have learned, all the things that I knew about myself and I was working ahead....understanding who I was and were I was coming from and the lessons that I needed to learn to help push me to go.
I worked the steps in reverse.
I discovered that I know myself deeply, that I know life lessons that I need to learn in any given situation, that I was capable of taking the steps and preparing myself for everything that I needed to so that I could walk in that room and do what was necessary for me.
It was hard, SO hard. I cried a lot, I shook and I slumped in my chair.
But I also stood my ground, I faced those that I needed to and I was welcomed with dear dear hearts that I cherish so deeply.
Did I need to go to learn the lessons, maybe not....I already knew what I needed to get from this moment....but I am so glad that I did. I was able to prove to myself that all the things that I needed to learn I was able to overcome BEFORE they happened.
I am grateful for the insight and inspiration and the courage to go...to act on that which I preach and to be able to do ONE MORE hard thing!