I laugh to myself sometimes when I get told of the great example that my husband and I are, the great hope that we offer for #relationshipgoals and the appreciation for the pure and deep friendship that we have with each other...not because I don't appreciate it, believe it or see it but because It took us a long time to get here and we had to fight many battles to find each other. We met broken and bloody from battle after battle and we burned our lives to the ground and rebuilt them in each others arms. THIS IS A TRUE, MESSY AND POWERFUL LOVE STORY that has never been shared like this before. It is my prayer that our story will inspire you in your search for love whether it is in the person next to you or in the person unknown.
DISCLAIMER: As I share scenes from my love story that I have NEVER shared publicly before I just want to warn you that this is NOT a pretty love story. It has a lot of ugly and it gets WAY worse before it gets better. There were many hearts broken and many victims of my battles for love. There is nothing that you can say about me and my love story that I have not already said to myself. I know who I am, I know where I am and I know that the love that I have now is the truest and greatest love that I will ever hope to experience...you don't have to understand it or agree with it. It is mine and mine alone.
*no names will be shared and this is only ONE side, my side of the story.
Part 3 of a 4 part series...You can read PART 1 HERE, You can read PART 2 HERE
I had been living and working in Idaho and was traveling back and forth to get a few things wrapped up in Southern Utah. I met a boy on a particular flight. He sat down next to me and just like that the next chapter of my life started.
This boy was gorgeous. Tall, dark, young...several years younger than me but he had this way about him. He was very charming and funny and forward which I loved in a man. He sat down and it didn't take 2 seconds for the conversation to start rolling and it rolled through the entire flight, through the airport to baggage, through text exchanges and a date that same night. The attraction was instant. The attraction was undeniable, the attraction was DANGEROUS!
In the beginning we had a very casual relationship. We lived in different places for the first year or so..it was random trips here and there, and many late night phone calls. He would come to me to visit. It was convenient with him having family and friends in the area and although he lived away he found lots of reasons to come back.
I never really knew where we stood. I never really knew how he felt about me.....or maybe I did and I just couldn't see it or understand it.
My love language screams positive vocal affirmation. I want someone to tell me that I am beautiful, I want someone to tell me that they love me, I want someone to tell me that I am EVERYTHING and he couldn't ever quite do that....in fact if I am being honest I am sure I told him I loved him and maybe never even heard it in return until after we broke up and our relationship was destroyed.
I did love him though. I was infatuated with him. I was even crazy about him...literally crazy. I don't what it was about him but all I know is that without a doubt that boy made me STUPID!
Over our time together I watched as all the stupid things that I did piled up. I couldn't stop them from happening.....I was weak and I didn't know anything about love and relationships. I gave and gave and gave. Gave of my money, gave of my time, gave of my body, gave of everything I had. I would sit and wait and I would jump when he said how high and I would do whatever he asked whenever he asked.....NOT BECAUSE I FELT THAT IT WAS APPRECIATED or that he would return the efforts.....I did it because I felt like I was ALWAYS trying to "win him". Like I always had to prove myself or at any second he would be gone!
I felt desperate all the time.
I look back and shake my head at my embarrassing efforts to "keep a man." If I saw that girl now I would smack the shit out of her.
So you can imagine when I found myself pregnant that my entire world flipped upside down! We were off again in our very confusing and very frustrating relationship and I knew this would be the end.....the end of whatever we were but what I didn't know is that an entirely new type of relationship was about to take place!
For the next 9 months (and after the pregnancy) we spent our time in different states just beating the crap out of each other. We abused each other and manipulated each other and screamed at each other and called each other names and made each other feel like shit on a daily basis.
There was no more laughter, no more lust, no more friendship, no more pleasure. Only hell and pain and guilt and abuse.
When our baby was born that was it for us. He wasn't there and I pushed him away. He wanted to come AFTER. He wanted us to be a family AFTER. He wanted to love me AFTER. He wanted everything that I had offered....but he wanted it AFTER.
Maybe he grew up, maybe the experience changed him, maybe he realized what he had, maybe he was sorry and felt guilty....whatever the reason I knew that we could never really be together....not with that much pain between us. I had a baby with him and I placed that baby for adoption. He didn't fight for us, he didn't want us, he didn't need us.....until AFTER and by then it was too late.
You can read lots and lots of details about my adoption journey on my blog HERE.
It is a strange thing to have a baby with someone that you are not spending your life with. It is a strange thing to have a relationship that burns to ash with so much hate and anger and yet I can feel such a draw to him. I feel pulled to him constantly. When I think of the amazing son that I placed for Adoption I can't help but think of him. He is his biological father. WE CREATED THAT LIFE TOGETHER. That is not something that just goes away.
I have not seen him in many many years. We had conversation off and on and finally one day it was just done. Gone. But the pull to him, the connection with him when I see my son or think about my son....he is always there. The memories are fresh, the laughter is light and the pain is crippling.
I think about all the love that has come into my life and that has left my life and there have been none that have left such a hole, such a shattered mess, such a shell of a person behind.
My time with him broke me and unlike the others would be something that I would never be able to fully recover from. This child is a part of us forever and I can never change that it happened. I can never pretend that it doesn't exist. I can never change the fact that our son is a mirror to him.
I have learned over and over that there are many apologies that we will never get when there is a true parting of the hearts. Closure is not something that we are always granted. We never had much post-placement conversation and I never heard from him the things that I wanted to, the things that I felt that I deserved. It was left open and tortured.
Our business will forever be unfinished as long as Derek is a part of my life.
I became a different person after we parted from each other and parted from our son. I became empty. I became broken and I became reckless. I wanted nothing, I didn't deserve anything and I refused to accept anything.
My life was burning to the ground and I was powerless to stop it......
PART 4 COMING SOON.....