Dreams…we all have them, we all want them to happen and we all get heartbroken at times when they don’t happen.
I spent this past weekend in Kansas (at Whatever Camp Create) experiencing one of the most eye opening weeks of my life. I went in thinking I would leave with a dream all about my future career. I thought I would leave knowing which direction God wanted me to go, what to do to get there and some sort of timeline for when the dream would be worked toward. Well, as I have learned time and time again, God had totally different plans!
I had thought that after I shared my dream last weekend I would probably never be willing to share it again. I was, for lack of a better way of putting it, EMBARRASSED by what I felt I was called to share with the women there. I was convinced that the women would look at me like I was crazy and just laugh at me. Afterall, all of them, except one, had already achieved my God-sized dream that I shared and they seemed to “have it all together” in my eyes. (I know now that that was totally the enemy trying to keep me from sharing but in that moment, it was super difficult!)
I sat there, at that long table, in the amazing craft room, with tears streaming down my face, starting my time of sharing with “I promised myself I wasn’t going to get emotional…” (don’t we always start our crying that way?) and spilled my guts. I told these 16 women, who I had only met 2 days prior, that my true God-sized dream was to be a mama. As I wept, these women poured their hearts and souls into me. They shared encouraging words that I will forever treasure in my heart. Some wept with me, they all prayed over me, and they made me feel that my dream was an acceptable one to share with the world. One shared that I already am a form of a mama to the women I have the chance to work with in my current phase of life. Another shared that she knew what that dream felt like and how that heart longing can impact everything one does. Even those who didn’t say anything spoke through their supportive looks.
As the day wrapped up, I was hugged on and encouraged even more. I went to bed that evening emotionally exhausted but also feeling encouraged and alive. I felt, for the first time (maybe ever) that my dreams were valid and not something to be ashamed of. I fell asleep that night thankful that I serve a mighty God who isn’t afraid to let his children live in a large way.
The next morning I had the chance to meet with Holley Gerth, author and speaker, one on one to talk about anything I would like to discuss. I sat down on her bed and her only question was “what would you like to talk about?” My response to her was simply “I don’t even know where to begin with all of this…my dream will obviously require someone else (or more than one someone else) and that’s a scary thought…” Holley spoke into me in ways that I never would have thought possible. She shared parts of her story, encouraged me and gave me practical steps I could take. She also encouraged me that this maybe the time in my life when I can focus on finding my identity in Christ and exploring what that looks like in my life.
I know this post was kind of ramble-y. One day I may be able to put a conclusion to this whole God-sized dream but I pray that the conclusion is simply when I meet my savior face to face. I want to be able to live a life of being a mother to the motherless. (I will admit though, that I still do really want to be a mama in my life as well.) I guess this is all to say that I don’t know what’s next. I don’t know what God has planned. I don’t know how it will all pan out. I don’t know when it will all happen. I don’t know when my heart will feel complete in this dream. But what I do know is that God has it under control. (If I’m being totally honest here, I’ll admit that I’m saying the because that’s what a good Christian girl says but I’m praying that God really solidifies that fact in my life as well.) I do know that I will continue to love on those around me and be an encouragement to those who need encouraging. I do know that I will spend this time exploring my own life and seeing which direction God intends this mama dream to go. I will also spend this time pouring into others while also taking time to be poured into.
These are just a few of the folks that I feel that I’ve had the great honor of being able to play the mama role to over the past few years:
I look forward to sharing more with you in the days and weeks to come about all the other areas God spoke to in my life. Though I should warn you that, at this point in time, this blog could end up being my space to share what God’s doing and you may have no interest. And that’s okay with me. This is simply a way for me to voice what God’s doing and to be able to share it with others.
I pray that you find this weekend relaxing and encouraging.