I want to start by saying that this post is filled with emotions and likely quite raw…don’t say you weren’t warned.
I spent yesterday and today with my family. They are phenomenal. I so enjoy spending time with my nephews, sister/brother in law, and parents. Watching them experience new things in life and getting to love on them is such an amazing gift. I am so thankful that I have a close relationship with all of them and am able to spend that time.
But today, as I drove away from my time with them, I couldn’t help but weep. And by weep I mean a really, really ugly cry. The tears have been pretty consistent since then as well. Those tears are tears I had prayed I wouldn’t cry today. I told myself that I was going to hold it together this year and that I wouldn’t let it get to me.
And then I sat down at lunch and had to admit that I didn’t have any kids. And saying those words made me want to run out of the restaurant and never come back. It made me want to just ignore that it’s Mother’s Day. It made me want to get a re-do on my life.
You see, I am 31. I am single. I live alone. I have to make ends meet on my own. I come home to an empty apartment. I watch my nephews give their mommy amazing cards and get so jealous. I know jealousy isn’t right but I also know that it’s not something I can just stop on my own.
I talk to people who try to encourage me by making statements like: “but you can have so much freedom without children” or “you’re time will come” or “God’s just preparing the perfect situation for you”. And yes, I certainly pray that all of those things are accurate and true. But sadly, that doesn’t make my apartment seem more full. That doesn’t add a car seat to my vehicle. That doesn’t make my mama heart feel better. It doesn’t make the “biological time clock” tick any slower.
It’s days like today that I just want to be a recluse. I just want to hide and not answer my phone (okay, I’ve already done that multiple times today, if I’m being honest) and not come out until all this Mother’s Day stuff is over. But then that’s not fair to those who are mothers and those who deserve to be celebrated and loved.
So, after 31 Mother’s Days, I can only hope and pray that I am the only one struggling with these feelings and that no one else is having to live in this pain.