The Only Selfish Birth Mom.

Andy Dufresne: What about you? What are you in here for?
Red: Murder, same as you.
Andy Dufresne: Innocent?
Red: [shakes his head] Only guilty man in Shawshank.

Sharing my soul as a birth mom today.  And before you say anything please know that I already know how this makes me look...it is just something that needs to be shared. 

There have been countless people in the 8 years since I placed that little sweet boy in the arms of his mother that tell me I was so selfless.  That I made a great sacrifice in placing my child for adoption.  

That was always a really hard pill to swallow.  

One of my very favorite movie moments in Shawshank Redemption was the point that "RED" admits to being the "only guilty man in Shawshank".  That line always stuck with me. 

In a world where so many play victim, that place blame on so many others, that refuse to take responsibility for their own actions there are some that stand and own it.  

{shaking my head} I am the only selfish Birth Mom.  

I did not want to be pregnant.  

I did not want to raise a child on my own.

I did not want to give up my time and money.

I did not want to struggle financially.

I did not want to put everyone through so much pain.

I did not want to be single mom.

I did not want to have to explain to my son why  his dad wasn't around.

I did not want to date with a child.

I did not want the responsibility.

I did not want the burden.

I didn't want to worry about how it looked to everyone else.

I wanted him to have WAY more than me.

I had so many things in my life that I wanted to do, that I wanted to be and this was not on the list. I found myself in an unplanned pregnancy because of poor choices that I had made in my life. I am not proud of that. I am not proud of how and why I became a birth mom...but it is what I am, it is a part of me.
— Ashley Mitchell

  The selfless ones in this story are his parents.  The amazing people that saved me.  That swooped in and loved him, and cared for him and adopted him into their family.  They took on all the burden and responsibility, the pain and the heartache, the joy and the happiness.  They took on the financial burden and the stress.  They took on the time and the energy and the sleepless nights.  They took on all of it....for me and for him.

All of the credit belongs to them.  All of his accomplishments, goals and dreams...his life purpose.  It is all them.

I gave him life but they are allowing him and helping him to LIVE his life. 

I love him very deeply and he will always be a part of me.  

I have learned so much over the past 8 years since my placement.  Now that I am a mother of 2 children of my own I have learned of the deep sacrifice made by a mother.  The unconditional love and the time and energy that it takes to raise a child.  The things that I have had to give up and put on the back burner.  I have found that the love for the son that I placed for adoption has grown deeper since placement. 

I am so thankful for those that came into my life, that acted selflessly on behalf of me and that beautiful baby boy.  I am grateful for those that stood by me while I made my selfish decisions for me....and for him.  

I know he is deeply loved, I know that he is cared for.  I know that he is safe and protected.  I know that he is strong and happy.  

I made a decision for myself and for a child.  I try to tell myself that those choices were the very best for him....but really, it was best for me.  I knew he wouldn't get what he truly deserved with just me.

I pray daily for forgiveness and peace for those decisions.