*disclaimer- This may be my bravest post yet. I have shared many things in my journey. This shares a lot of the behind the scenes action that took place during the darkest years of my life. All legal action that was required has been dealt with and all needs were met with great humility.
As birth mothers we tend to get a bit defensive when it comes to the stereotypes that the uninformed and uneducated society tries to peg us with. There are many opinions and ideas of what a birth mother is and why she makes the choices that she does.
I have to say that at the time of placement and for several years after I was many of the stereotypes that birth mothers try so hard to fight, to redefine.
I was in a relationship with the birth father. We dated on and off for several years. We spent a lot of time together and obviously we were having sex. ( I wont treat you like you are stupid and don't know HOW I became a birth mom to begin with ). We were also drinking a lot and had some additional choice pills etc in the mix when it was available.
Now, I am the first to throw myself under the bus so I will tell you that as I share this with you I want you to know that regardless of what you are thinking of me at this point I thought a lot worse, and I have come a long way to dig myself out of the bottom that was below rock bottom. This story gets a lot worse before it gets better.
It is amazing now, looking back, I can see how much pain I was in, how much I was suffering, how much I was grieving all the signs were there but I didn't know it at the time. I had no idea the tragedy that was coming and I had no idea that I was heading for an all out war against myself that would lead to my breakdown.
After placement I began to self-destruct. Every once in a while I would hit a moment where I would be "doing better". I would be clean, go back to church and would straighten myself up, more just because I was just trying to prove to myself and everyone else that I could.
I continued with the drinking, some stages were heavier than others. And I continued with my casual relationships. Sometimes someone would be around longer than another, but at the end of the day I would sabotage anything that had any potential and I would be alone, in pain, grieving and spending my days getting to know the darkness, intimately.
I placed in the early spring of 2006, April to be exact. By the end of that year I didn't even recognize myself. I was so careless with my life and others. I hated everything about myself but man did I put on a show. I was everyone and everything that I needed to be. I was so co-dependent and I killed myself to be accepted from any stranger that crossed my path. I had no self acceptance and I was in such denial of the things that had happened and I refused to stop long enough to allow the feelings to hit the surface.
I had to keep going, keep moving, keep numbing the pain because I knew if I stopped I would break down.
In 2007 I was in a devastating accident......
As I sit here in tears I can't bring myself to share the details of this...not yet.
I almost killed someone in a drunk driving accident.
Some day I will share this story, someday I will be brave enough to share the details of this story, someday I will share my journey through the legal ramifications of this accident and the year I spent working through my court ordered requirements. But not today.
Today I am sharing the events that took place after this accident, the full breakdown of who I was, and the rebuilding of who I am now.
Now at this point you would think that enough is enough. That after something so tragic and life changing that I would be all about acceptance and healing, that I would finally stop so that I could finally work through all my issues, but I wasn't. It had the opposite effect. Now on top of everything else I had this weight piled on top of the existing pain and grief. The burden was so heavy, the shame and the guilt and the pain, years were piling up, indiscretions were too many to count. I was trapped in my own personal hell.
There is a saying that describes what I was feeling, why I kept my finger hovering over the self-destruct button "Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop."
In the fall of 2007 I ran. I ran away from all of it. I was living in constant fear and pain and so I ran. I met someone that offered an "out" from all the pain that I was living in. AGAIN remember that the stage of denial was so great that I literally convinced myself that none of the past stuff had happened, that I was not grieving, that I was not a birth mother, that I was not struggling with substance abuse, that I did not have the guilt of that accident sharing my body with me. I was FINE! I WAS FINE!
I married this man and moved across the country. I moved from all of it not realizing that it had jumped into the trunk when I wasn't looking and came with me.
I deeply regret the pain that was caused to that man. He was a victim of my carelessness. He was a necessary step in my un-doing. He played a giant role in helping me become who I am now.
Without him, without that move I would have died. I know without a doubt in my mind that I would not be here with you today. I thank God for that move, for that chance meeting. I am grateful for him and the doors that were opened. I pray that he finds the true happiness that I could never offer him. He didn't know what he was getting into.
In our journey as birth mothers we have this moment, the AH-HA moment, or game changer as I like to call it, when the light turns on, when we decide that enough REALLY is enough and everything changes. Sometimes it is a very small, insignificant moment, and sometimes it is a huge and undeniable moment.
This was my game changing moment.
I had divorced the man that brought me to Tennessee and I was living with my NOW husband and love of my life. We were figuring life out and we were both on a journey. I was starting to get the feeling back in my life, but with the happiness and excitement of the future as I was allowing myself to be open to possibilities I was also stirring the beast that had been asleep for all of these years. As I was allowing myself to feel on deeper levels I was also forced to feel the pain of the past.
That pain, that grief, that shame and regret, that acceptance of the past finally surfaced and sent me into a spin that forced my breakdown.
My breakdown included pills, a night in the hospital, and 5 days locked in a Mental Health Facility.
( I told you this story got worse before it got better ).
BUT something amazing happened. Maybe the greatest miracle of my life.
And then the true journey began. I started to pick up the pieces. Every day since that time I am learning to pick up the pieces, I am learning to look in the mirror and love and respect the woman starring back, I am learning to accept my life and learning to co-exist with the things that have happened. I am learning my triggers and I know my weaknesses. I know what I can and can't do, I know my boundaries. But more important I know love, and I know my worth and I know joy. I know peace and I know faith. I know hope and I know light. I know who I am.
The pain of a birth mother is real. I am not naive and I know that adoption as a whole is created through great pain and suffering...But I believe deeply in hope for the future, and for a life of happiness for all those that are willing to fight for it. I believe that there is great work to be done. I believe that a birth mother needs to find herself in a place where she can have help to fight through the grief at the early stages.
I am not the norm. My story of healing is unique.
Too many women are falling through the cracks, to many birth moms are stuck in their own personal hell. It is real and it is a lonely path.
I was the stereotype. But I have come a long way since that time. I never fear that I will become that person again, and I pray that I don't stay who I am now.....
I know that I will be even better and I can't wait to meet her!