A Simple Request.

There is nothing simple about adoption. It is the most complex and beautiful thing that I have ever had the privilege of being associated with.
— Ashley Mitchell

I received a text.  A text messaged that caught my breath, that stopped me in my tracks, that made everything else around me disappear.  It was simple and pure and innocent and lovely.  

It will turn my world as I know it upside down.  In a beautiful and complicated way!

"...Derek keeps talking about wanting to spend more time with you...."

As a birth mom, I have these moments, these small little reminders of who I am...of something that is a HUGE part of my life.  The reality slaps me in the face.  I am forced to look at the part of my life that I co-exist with, that is always there and always a part of me but that doesn't often get the attention, or time or energy that maybe it should, maybe that it needs...

So here I am, world standing still and I am quiet and listening, pondering the consequences of this simple request.  

The questions...OH THE QUESTIONS!  

But then my heart.  My heart is screaming so many things.  

It is interesting that this text has come up now, during this time in my life, during the time when I have been working on things and asking questions.  

I joined a Tele-Life Coaching Circle this past week for adoption with the amazing LeAnne Parsons of Walk Your Talk Legacy Now Lived.  We will be spending the next 3 months together and I am looking forward to this new experience of Life Coaching {many of you know that I am a HUGE believer in coaching and what it offers for forward movement, getting unstuck and personal empowerment}.  

In our first conversation I talked about the fact that my daughter was getting older, she just turned 5, and that she is asking questions and loves all the 'BIG TOUGH GIRLS' even if she doesn't know exactly what that means.  When we are in our home she is right by my side while I work in the office, she helps put swag bags together and she hears the word adoption a lot...but it is nothing that I have ever talked openly about with her....I believe there are age appropriate conversations to have with our children.

When this text came across I realized something.  Derek is almost 9.  He is age appropriate for a lot of this conversation.  What if he has questions, what does he want to know, what does he think about, what is he curious about, what about the birth father....OH NO please don't let him ask me about the birth father....

But my heart.  My heart so wants to talk with him, to know him, to answer his questions, to understand him and have him understand me.

I don't know why for so many years I didn't think this moment would come.  I don't know why I thought that he wouldn't be curious.  I don't know why I thought that his family would be "enough".  

I am learning more and more that I know very little about adoption AND that what I knew in one season is NOT going to be the same for the next season. As we transition into this next phase of our open adoption the rules are changing and once again we have to learn to roll with it!
— Ashley Mitchell

I talk openly about my adoption.  I have shared in great detail my story and have worked with hundreds of birth moms and adoptive mothers and I have been able to own my story and be open and raw and real and it has been such an honor to share my story...

But I wonder, do I honor him?

Have I honored him in my life?  My family is not involved in his life, his birth father is not involved in his life, my kids know him and have played with him but they don't know who he is specifically or what he means to me, I don't tell people that I have 3 children, I don't send holiday cards or presents, I don't send regular updates or pictures......does he think that I am not that interested in having him be a part of my life? 

Oh my heart.  If he knew my heart.  If he knew that I have been trying to protect and maybe protect me.  If he knew that I loved him and if he knew that he matters to me and if he knew that he changed my life forever....Oh my heart.  

One simple request.  One text.  One thought of a boy, a boy that almost 9 years ago I held in my arms and played the role of mother. He wants to spend time with me.  

I know what people would say and think.  "Why wouldn't you want to see him?"  "I would give anything for this opportunity!"  "How could you say no to him?"

But for me there is so much to consider, so many people to think about, so many consequences.  

If only this were just a simple request, if only it was black and white, if only.....

I don't know what will happen or how all of this will play out, maybe it wont be that different, maybe he wont be that interested, maybe it wont change anything....

but maybe it will...