I originally wanted to leave this post at this:
EVERYTHING IN ADOPTION IS A HURDLE. - the end.
But I figured I would expand a little more for those that are looking for specifics!
But I do believe that the statement is true. Everything is a hurdle. Every step in the process, every emotion attached, every event and year that comes after placement. It is all a block in our journey...in order to keep moving, to move past them we have to jump over them!
One of the greatest things that I have learned is that THERE IS NO WAY TO KNOW what you need, how you are going to feel or where you are heading in your adoption journey! It is always changing. From one season of life to the next, placing my son for adoption changes how I view my life, how I overcome challenges and how I deal with the every day.
It effects every aspect of my life. Sometimes in terrible ways BUT sometimes in wonderful and beautiful ways!
I ran track in high school. I actually ran the hurdles until I tore my ACL and had to have reconstruction surgery. I never fully recovered from the operation and was never at my best again.
I think about my life wonder often if I have ever fully recovered since I walked out of the hospital empty handed. Have I ever really become my best self again.....or maybe for the first time ever.
I sit here with tears literally streaming down my face...it all makes me so tired. I am tired of the fight, tired of the emotion, tired of the communities and the battles and the ever changing aspects. I am tired of the anticipation of visits and then the emotional roller-coaster when it comes. I am tired of the aftermath of those beautiful moments.
I never wanted this for my life. I never ever woke up one day and said " I want to be a birth mother when I grow up." But this is my life...and there is no other option but to go over the hurdles. To keep running the race, learning as I go, getting better, getting stronger, all of it getting easier....
hurdle after hurdle